spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
