Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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