my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
