sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
