I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
