so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
