Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
