Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my vag is so smooth its legendary
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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