Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
