i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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