i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
