How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
