Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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