? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
