I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
