remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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