im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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