I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you will always have a special place in my vag
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
