i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
