I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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