found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
