Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
