The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
