You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
