I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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