I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
