I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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