i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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