Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is it because I queefed?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
