New low: just hacked my moms facebook
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
