i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
