just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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