If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
