i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
