i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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