You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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