He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
