i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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