Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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