She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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