my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
