Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
