just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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