if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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