I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
