If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
