I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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