rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
