You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
