saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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