I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
