If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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