My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
