haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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